Theory in Practice: Becoming a Guide and Learning to Map

School children holding alphabet cards, Hartlepool, GB c. 1900
Image source: Hartlepool Cultural Services via Flickr

As I look back on my highs and lows, it's interesting to note the themes and topics that reoccur, which I was not aware of during the actual unfolding of events. One of the major themes I notice is my preoccupation with relationships. I spend a lot of time thinking about relationships in my school life, from my relationship with individual students to their relationships with each other. I seem to not be able to pull apart my relationship with a child and teaching that child. For me, the two rely on each other, and one cannot exist without the other. Many of my reflections involve thinking of ways to connect with different students, gain their trust, and build an understanding between us as student and teacher.

I also put a lot of mental and emotional energy into supporting these young people in relating to each other in positive ways, and equipping them with tools to handle the conflict and misunderstanding that life invariably throws at them. One of the struggles in our class this year has been building empathy and tolerance in young people when dealing with the challenging behavior of a few of their peers. As adults, of course we can step back and look critically at a child's behavior and say "okay, he/she may be acting this way because of XYZ outside factors" but such removal from interactions is much more difficult for younger students. They are very much "in" the social interactions, and it's hard for them to think critically about a friend's behavior and tease out the difference between "being mean" and genuinely being unable to help their impulses or understand and respond appropriately to social cues. We have employed the Bucket Filler books, a metaphor for kids about the way our words and actions impact each other by envisioning our emotions as a bucket of good feelings that can either be filled or dipped from. Metaphors can be challenging for even adults to absorb and apply to their own concrete actions, so naturally the children are still working on relating their actions and words to the bucket filling and bucket dipping they talk about occurring. In our class we have a physical plastic bucket with cards they can fill out when they feel a classmate has done or said something that has filled their buckets. I hope that reviewing these bucket filling moments with the students next week will be a community building moment that celebrates the growth they have made in becoming conscientious bucket-fillers, as well as underscore the concrete things we can do or say to get along and be friendly towards others.

I think this reflects that my theory towards teaching is very much a social one. It relies on a healthy and supportive community for authentic learning to take place, and I work hard to help the children build such a place. THis is why many of my lows center on dealing with behavior that either disrupts the calm of such an environment, or disrupts the harmony through negative social interactions. We're confronting these challenges with solutions such as an increase in small group work over whole group, which has proven very successful thus far.

Another HUGE theme that I see in my reflections has to do with my own organization abilities (or lack thereof). This is an area in which I have struggled since childhood. As an adult with ADD, I continue to search for ways to cope with my constant "scatter-brained" feeling that also impacts my self-esteem and brings with it great waves of self-doubt. Sometimes I wonder what kind of a role model I can be to kids as I support them in developing their own organizational and self-regulation skills, when mine seem so deficient. I berate myself with abusive thoughts and language. This has been increasingly difficult now that I myself am a student again. While children have the opportunity to have their learning differentiated to their needs, as an adult student, you have to conform to the learning structure presented to you, whether it fits your learning style or not. You have to "deal" if you want to succeed. Sometimes I feel inadequate, even sad, when I encounter students who remind me of myself. I think, how can I meet your needs as a learner in the here and now while also equipping you for a much harsher future? How can I protect you from feelings of not fitting in or inferiority when comparing yourself to the learners around you, when I myself have not been able to conquer these feelings and personal flaws? I feel like a fraud, and my greatest fear is that my learning shortcomings will result in massive failure as a grad student and as a teacher, and I will be "found out" as a phony and be laughed out of town. I want to protect my students from developing these negative feelings about themselves, I want them to feel as capable and full of potential as I see them. But I know that first I have to come to terms with my own self-actualizing in this department. And self-actualizing can be painful, especially when you've been making do for so many years of adulthood. I truly believe the major link that is missing that will make me feel in control and capable is organization. I have to find a way to put myself through a kind of organizer's boot camp, perhaps using resources like pinterest for tools that will assist me in my goal to improve in this area.

Obviously, planning and being goal oriented is necessary, even required for this profession. But there is also something to be said for throwing the plan out of the window and pursuing more interesting avenues that pop up organically when students take charge of their own learning. I recorded many highs that involved meaningful moments that came from just going with a student's suggestion. Acting and thinking on my feet in this manner, when the classroom is abuzz with excitement and activity as a brand new idea is set in motion, is an area of strength for me and it fills me with a kind of exhilaration as it unfolds before my very eyes. Perhaps it's the opposite side of the organization coin, the half where I am not deficient but in fact naturally well equipped to excel. That place where spontaneity and openness to change on the fly can lead to deeper student involvement and ownership of their learning is a kind of sweet spot, and I want more control of getting to that place while still holding on to the goals of our learning. I want so badly to learn planning, real planning, goal-oriented planning that sees weeks into the future the way my scatter-brain nature does not. Following the lead of the kids is magical and powerful, but if I am going to be an effective guide, I obviously need a real map and one I know how to navigate. I need to know where our destination is so that we can all get there, together, even if we don't take the route originally mapped. Here my theory is beginning to emerge from the mist of all-over-the-place thoughts. Learning should be child-driven, but the teacher needs the skills to know where the destination is, and how to shepherd the kids in the right direction.

My mission is to harness my natural ability in kid-centered projects by balancing my spontaneous abilities with clean, clear, organized plans. I want to learn to create goal based, systematic, plans. I want to build routines and habits for my own self-management. But to do these things without forcing myself to be something I am not, which I would never in a million years wish upon a child.